Spiritually asleep…checked out…coasting. 

With 2 months left and a future ahead, how do I stay fully in it?

_____

Papa,

Where is the fire that was once in me? 

Just 3 months ago I longed for you greater than anything.

When did my desire for more of you get lost?       ???

What more is it going to cost? 

Yea, Romania was hard but my routine stayed the same. 

You’ve said my field is blooming from death to life, does that still remain? 

Did I mean it when I said you could have it all? 

How much more do I need to believe you’re worth my all?

I have become comfortable, content, and satisfied with things other than you alone. 

How do I let you be my home? 

I still can’t find my secret place. 

Is it right in front of my face?

It feels hidden; not meant for me to enter in.  

But that’s not what my father has planned. ???

My passion for worship has slipped through my droopy hands. ???

What happened to the idea of the race being the sweet spot? 

It is just me missing it? 

Time to press in. 

Time to hold nothing back.

Time to take it all in.

Papa, how do you want me to do it? 

______

Obviously I wrote this awhile ago, cause I HAVE (6) DAYS LEFT, not 2 months! I still want to share this with you all so you see the reality in what I was walking through. This isn’t finished, its just a draft, but it’s real, raw and vulnerable. I shouldn’t have to pretty my emotions for you, so there you have it. Some of these things I’m still trying to navigate and some I have walked out of. 

It is absolutely surreal that I wrote this almost two months ago, but I am praising the lord for getting me to where I am now. I couldn’t be more thankful. 

Here’s to vulnerability!