Beauty. What is it? Why is it easy to see in others and not myself? Why is it easy to see in the world and not myself?
“Brooke what are you?”
…silence
“Brooke what are you?”
(Whispers) beautiful.
The entire race I have walked and still walking through the idea of being beautiful.
Ever since middle school I have always been pretty skinny. I did cross country, soccer, basketball, and worked out before school most days. Many friends, coaches, and family members would always tell me I need to eat more. In eighth grade I started to cut out many things, to be healthy. Yes many of the things I cut out were things okay not to be eating, but it became a game of how I looked determined on what I ate. If I couldn’t see my hips or my abs were less defined or my thighs looked too big then that meant I needed to eat less or not eat. Running became a big role in this idea as well. If I didn’t like it I would go run. These weren’t my thought patterns every time I went to go eat or run but they definitely played their part.
Throughout the entire race starting in training camp I would get up and run early in the mornings. That was just normal for me. I started hearing other peoples testimonies, some fasted from working out, some used to struggle with eating disorders, and some found their identity in their activity. My mind was stirring with questions and confusion about my own desire to run and my own eating habits. Though I never had an eating disorder I knew the motivations behind eating and running weren’t quite where they needed to be. I had a couple of conversations with people I knew that were going to encourage and push me to greater things. The thing I was stuck on was that I didn’t want to give up running, but if I found the lord worthy of my all then that included running, that included when and what I wanted to eat, that includes literally everything. SO do I really find him worthy? I thought I did but if I can’t even give up this one thing then I have something to figure out.
It was a battle I was fighting for awhile until a night in Guatemala that brought me to surrendering this desire of mine, that if he ever brought me to fasting from running that I would. Surprise surprise, I did end up fasting from running, though it was very frustrating I have come to see more of the fruit day by day. Running and eating with the right motivations is something I still find myself struggling with. Throughout this entire season I have been walking in, it has been hard to see the beauty that the lord has given me, whether internal or external. Many people would always tell me “Brooke you’re so beautiful, oh look how pretty you are, you are beautiful inside and out”. Even with that I could always look at my body and immediately find some flaw in myself. I’ve had to learn that my beauty isn’t determined based on the qualifications of this world or myself but only defined by the one who created me.
“For you created me in my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
When I was made in the secret place,
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth.” – Psalm 139: 13-15
The one who created this entire world, took his time to create me in his own perfect image, and saw it as very good. He made me just how I am and that is perfect. Seasons are going to bring different things and I’m coming to learn that, that is okay. I should be “praising the Lord because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” PRAISING! Thank you Jesus that you blessed me with a body that is able to serve you, thank you that my body is not meant for me but for your glory only. Thank you that you wanted me on this earth so that I could bring you praise and glory. Thank you Father for the ways you have created me. I am sorry for the ways I have looked down and tried to correct your perfect creation. I am sorry for not looking at your beautiful works and saying it isn’t good enough. Please continue to teach me how to look at myself, the world, and all of your beautiful works with your eyes that saw them as good. GUYS we are so beautiful and it is a shame if we think otherwise.
This is just another topic I struggled with and have grown in so much over the past nine months. This isn’t something that I am completely healed from, I still and constantly having to remind myself of the truth of what the Father says about me. I just to bring y’all into a big thing I have been walking through the entire race! Welcome to the inner parts of my life that has rarely been brought to light
“I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE I FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE”
